He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
