so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
