I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She told me I should be a condom model.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
