I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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