Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
