so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
