If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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