Jerry, you need to find god
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
my liver is dry heaving
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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