you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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