Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
