He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
