Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
