I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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