Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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