Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
