woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I touched a dick in church today
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
