You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
