I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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