I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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