sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
