You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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