It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
