my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
did you just send me my own nude
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
