My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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