If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Randomize
