He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
