And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
