After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
