my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
