is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
