the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
