Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
