There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
