Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
