I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
