I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
