I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
