i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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