hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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