Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
