you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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