The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
