her vagine was all disorganized.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
