I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
