I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
