theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
