I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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