He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
