I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
