This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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