I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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